STRESS RELIEF: WHAT TO SAY WHEN YOUR OVERWHELMED TEEN SHUTS DOWN

Peak performance sports psychologist (and fellow parent) Dr. E tackles your toughest questions head-on.

Dear Dr. E,

My son has been completely stressed out lately. If he has a bad game or tough practice, he’s moody for days. It’s starting to seep into his grades and friendships. I keep trying, but I can’t seem to get through to him. What else can I try?

—Stuck at a Brick Wall

Dear Stuck—

Being a parent of teenagers can often feel like you are speaking into an unplugged microphone. “Testing, testing. 1, 2, 3, Is this thing on?”

Trust me, your teen hears you, but when emotions are high, your words may not land the way you intend. The key? Make sure they’re ready to listen—and that you’re helping them fix the problem, not fixing them.

In my parent sessions, I always ask: “Are you talking with your child or at them?”

This distinction matters. If your teen feels like they are the problem, they’ll shut down. But if you help them recognize the real issue, they’ll see you as a teammate, not an opponent.

Signs your student-athlete is in the Red Zone

It’s normal for teens to pull away when they’re frustrated or feeling distressed. But if this stress is altering their mood, grades, sleep, relationships, or confidence, it’s a sign they’re overwhelmed.

When anyone—teen or adult—is in the Red Zone, the brain isn’t processing information rationally. And teens? Their brains are still developing, especially in the reasoning department. We expect them to react like adults, but they don’t yet have the perspective or the mental wiring to do so.

Being in the Red Zone feels like drowning. From the outside, it might look like your child is struggling in shallow water but to them, it feels like they’re in over their heads, unable to catch a breath.

Here’s how to throw them a life raft:

Choose the Right Time.
Big talks and big emotions don’t mix. Wait until they’re in a better headspace. Car rides, walks, or grabbing food together can be great low-pressure moments.

Choose Your Focus.
Your goal isn’t to stop them stressing or remove stress from their life. You can’t. Your goal is to help them identify what’s really bothering them and learn healthy ways to manage it.

Choose Your Words.
Instead of shutting down their emotions (“it’s not a big deal” or “just calm down”), help them name and process what’s happening internally:

• Empathize: “I’m sorry this is so tough right now. I can tell this means a lot to you.”
• Encourage: “Tell me more.”
• Empower: “How can I best support you?” (Or my favorite: “What can I do that won’t make things worse?”)
• Equip: “What’s one thing you learned from today that will help next time?”

Remember: You’re Doing Great.

In addition to your obvious love and support, adding these new strategies will help your child recognize their own stress signals and build strategies to manage them—in sports and beyond. And you, dear Stuck, are on the right track. The fact that you’re looking for a way through instead of repeating approaches that aren’t working means more than you know.

—Dr. E

Coming up next, Dr. E answers the question: “What if your child’s biggest mental block … is you?”

Spring tryouts start soon! Dr. E helps student-athletes bring their A-game to every opportunity. Learn more at EleVive.com.