ASK DR. E.

Dr. Elizabeth Lombardo is a Lake Forest psychologist and concierge life coach who is famous for her work with professional athletes. Her career as a best-selling author, keynote speaker, and media guest have made her one of the most sought-after experts in the world for those who seek to harness the power of mindset. In 2019, she founded EleVive, a business that helps teens and their parents navigate life’s challenges. Her new column in The North Shore Weekend addresses these issues and more.

When your child gets cut from a team, don’t cut your support.

Dear Dr. E—
We just found out that our son didn’t make the team. He’s taking the cut pretty hard—he loves this sport and seems like everything he does (and wears and says) centers on the game. What can we do to support him here?
—Bummed in Baltimore

Bummed,
First, I empathize with you. Witnessing a child’s disappointment is one of the hardest things we parents do—and, because life is life, it’s something we have to do all too often. While this may not be a comforting thought, consider this: Every time our children fail—or fail to get what they want—it means they are reaching beyond their comfort zone. This is a very good thing and one that deserves to be encouraged and celebrated.

One thing I want you to remember is that when a person is sitting in disappointment (at any age!), they are likely in what I call the Red Zone—an emotional state of heightened distress. Your job as his parents is two-fold:

• Stay OUT of the Red Zone when helping your son—it will be impossible to help him deal with disappointment if you are clouded by anger, sadness, frustration, or worry.
• Help him see his way out of the Red Zone by validating what he is feeling and helping him process his experience. Remember, you are not here to “rescue” him—dealing with disappointment is a normal part of life, and managing it effectively will boost his resilience and problemsolving skills for the future. You can help him navigate through this time by asking questions that help him process what happened. Things like:
• What did you learn about the team or the sport? • What did you discover about yourself?
• If you could do it again, what would you do differently? • What do you love about this sport so much?
• Is there anything positive that could come out of this?
• What are other parts of your life that make you feel that way?

I’d invite you to give your child enough time to answer these questions and avoid jumping in to prompt or add an answer. (He may surprise you!) Look for opportunities to validate his attempt, his growth, your support and love, and his larger identity beyond the game. With time and encouragement, your son will emerge from this experience better for it—and ready to tackle the next challenge with confidence.

Dr. E

Struggling with teenage mood swings? Hold on tight—and try this.

Dear Dr. E—

My teenager’s emotions have been all over the place—and at times she feels so distant. Is this normal?

—Moody in Memphis

Dear Moody,

When our kids hit the teenage years, we often look with nostalgia on the “Terrible Twos.” Remember when we thought THAT was hard?

The short answer is YES—teenagers are moody. Hormones mixed with a developing prefrontal cortex mixed with social pressures, excitements, expectations, and opportunities are not always a great mix. That said, there are some red flags to watch out for to make sure what you’re noticing isn’t tipping into troublesome territory.

• Check for changes. Swings in appetite, sleep, social interactions, and activities can indicate it’s time to start asking questions.
• Problem-spot performance. A decline in grades or sports performance can be a sign that their focus or feelings have shifted.
• Self-care signals. If you notice your teen has stopped showering or changing clothes, it could be a sign they are withdrawing or depressed. Listen for times when they turn down things they usually love or opportunities to hang out with people they used to care about.

If any of the above rings true, broach your teen carefully and with compassion. Refrain from judgment—even in your mind (your teens have a sixth sense about this). And, if needed, get the help that will help them best—and be sure to ask them what they think this is!

Dr. E